To Stella, 4.11

I have to get in one more letter before you turn 5, a development that I can hardly believe is happening. There is such a huge part of me that wants to scream to you, "I LOVE HAVING A FOUR YEAR OLD IN THE HOUSE! DON'T GO LITTLE FOUR YEAR OLD!" It is just so much fun to live with a four year old -- or at least YOU as a four year old. I will miss it forever after you turn 5. You are such good company, a tremendously huge help, lots of fun and you say tons of adorable things all the time.

You continue to be an unbelievably great big sister. You love carrying Vivian around and it is pretty cute the way you sling her around on your hip like a little mommy. You've also started carrying your dolls that way, as though they weigh 18 pounds (as Vivian does). It is a sight to see -- you carrying a baby half your weight and size -- and whenever you do it in public, lots of people comment on it, on how impressed they are or how adorable it is. You love this and so you often ask if you can carry her when we are in a restaurant or, well basically in any public place. It really bothers me and Daddy when you just pick her up and move her when she is on her way crawling for something or happily playing. We have been trying to explain to you the importance of letting her be free and follow her own mind and you sort of get it but you sometimes just can't help yourself.

This month we were in Williamstown where I was directing a play. Daddy could not come with us because he had a job in Santa Fe so you, me, Vivian and Ranny lived together in a house. It was basically my first job since Vivian was born and I was a little nervous about it. I found a camp for you that I hoped would be good but I was very worried that you wouldn't like it. There were two options -- 9am-12pm and 9am-3pm. The longer day sounded really long to me but the shorter day would still leave you with a lot of hours of just hanging around with Ranny and Vivian. I just signed you up for three weeks and told you that you were going to have to do 15 days of camp like it or not. I hoped the long day would work but knew I had the shorter option in my back pocket. The first day you were a little scared at drop off but it only took a little crying before you were ready to let me go. When I left the building, I started to cry too. I was so proud of you for being brave and for how far you've come since you were a Sun Roomer. I also worried about you, of course, although I quickly learned there was no reason for that. When I picked you up you were very happy. After that, you went to camp for the long day and you ended up doing 4 1/2 weeks rather than three because you loved it so much. One of the things that really sold you on it was that the counselors were not counselors but "real pre-school teachers". You really need to know that you are going to be with responsible grownups who will keep you safe. You had a great counselor, Sue, who you really loved a lot. Once in a while you forgot her name when you were talking about her and would call her "Ho" which was always good for a laugh. Everyday I packed you a lunch and a snack. On one of the first long days of camp, you ate your lunch and snack all together at snack time so you didn't have anything at lunch. When you told me about this, you were fine about it, it definitely was not upsetting to you. But my heart broke for a minute, I think just to be reminded how hard it still is for you to learn and remember the "rules", how things go in the world. The next day when I dropped you at camp, you gave me a big hug and looked really brave like you were trying not to cry as you said, "I'm not going to eat my lunch during snack today."

We had a lot of fun in Williamstown. You became very independent and outgoing. You came with me to meetings whenever you could and were always really well-behaved. At my first production meeting, there were a lot of people there and we all went around and introduced ourselves. When it came to my turn I introduced myself and then said, "And that is Stella and she can ride a two wheel bike with no training wheels!" Everyone clapped. You looked very proud. Later you told me that what I said about you was much better than what everyone else was going around saying -- things like my name is blah blah, I am the costume designer blah blah blah. You are right. It is much cooler to ride a two wheel bike with no training wheels!

There was a kid's show at one point in the summer called "Camp Monster" which I took you to see and which you then went to see again with your camp. Our friend Gail was in it and you were very excited to see her performing and especially excited that she pointed to you at one point in the show when she sang, "Nobody's normal -- especially YOU!" You told anyone who asked that "Camp Monster" was the best show at Williamstown this summer. But you did watch the whole second act of my show one day and I was pretty impressed that you were able to sit through it. 45 minutes. Lots of talking. No songs. You also watched tech rehearsal a few times. At one of them, after about five minutes, you turned to Amy, the playwright and said, "This is a boring show."

One night we went out to Mezze, the nicest restaurant in Williamstown. We sat at the bar and shared a cherry tomato appetizer and the salmon. You love sitting at the bar and it is such fun to go out to eat with you because you really appreciate good food. Plus, you and I generally have the same taste in food so it is easy to share.

After rehearsal you would often ride your bike and I would jog next to you. Then we would go play in the playground and do obstacle courses. We also went to the public swimming pool a bunch of times and your swimming got much much better. You love the grocery store in Williamstown because they have little carts for you to push. We went out for ice cream together. Grandma Helaine, Grandpa Paul, Steven, Clara, Grandma Phyllis, Grandpa Joel and Noa all came to visit at various times. You had a great time with everyone. Thank you for helping to make it possible for me to work, for being such an excellent daughter and big sister and for viewing everything as an adventure. Our house in Williamstown was only okay but when you saw it and saw the swing in the backyard and the secret hideout (attic), you thought it was the best house ever! If you didn't have such a great attitude and didn't see things so positively, I never would have been able to manage. Thanks.

Another very momentous occasion this month Danny and Melissa's wedding in which Daddy was a groomsmen and you were a flower girl or, more precisely, a "Rainbow Girl". You were very worried about being the flower girl so we changed your title to something that you were more comfortable with. You were pretty nervous leading up to it. You didn't really want to wear the dress that Melissa had had made for you. You were excited about the wedding but less excited about your participation in it. But you did a great job! You never changed out of the dress even though I brought a back-up for the reception. You did a perfect job as Rainbow Flower Girl and loved doing it. In fact, you are now excited to be a flower girl for Michael and Ilana in October. We had a great time at the wedding. There were lots of kids there and you had tons of fun playing with them -- especially with Leonard Sandler. You were really friendly and adorable and you stayed up super late two nights in a row. On the way back to our inn after the wedding, you expired.

Last week we were back at home and you and I were having breakfast or dinner together when you told me that you knew what order we were going to die in: me, then Daddy, then you, then Vivian (you still pretty much think that people die in age order). I told you that I hoped that was true and you looked at me incredulous and asked, "You want to die first?" I said that I did because then I would never have to miss you guys. You looked thoughtful for a moment and then said, "That's a good point."

A few other current Stella cuteisms:

"The tomorrow of that day" which refers to the day after some time in the past.

"What a drug" - your comment when you found out we were going to have to chance trains to get from East Hampton to NYC.

And one that had me and Dad in hysterics for hours and still makes us laugh whenever we think of it: We were in a taxi, you had a pen in your hand and said, "I'm going to put that in my pursie" which we both misunderstood and thought you'd said, um, something else. Never mind. You'll understand when you're older.

Thanks for making everything so much fun. Our lives are much better since we share them with you.

I love you.
Love,
Mommy