To Stella, 4.11

I have to get in one more letter before you turn 5, a development that I can hardly believe is happening. There is such a huge part of me that wants to scream to you, "I LOVE HAVING A FOUR YEAR OLD IN THE HOUSE! DON'T GO LITTLE FOUR YEAR OLD!" It is just so much fun to live with a four year old -- or at least YOU as a four year old. I will miss it forever after you turn 5. You are such good company, a tremendously huge help, lots of fun and you say tons of adorable things all the time.

You continue to be an unbelievably great big sister. You love carrying Vivian around and it is pretty cute the way you sling her around on your hip like a little mommy. You've also started carrying your dolls that way, as though they weigh 18 pounds (as Vivian does). It is a sight to see -- you carrying a baby half your weight and size -- and whenever you do it in public, lots of people comment on it, on how impressed they are or how adorable it is. You love this and so you often ask if you can carry her when we are in a restaurant or, well basically in any public place. It really bothers me and Daddy when you just pick her up and move her when she is on her way crawling for something or happily playing. We have been trying to explain to you the importance of letting her be free and follow her own mind and you sort of get it but you sometimes just can't help yourself.

This month we were in Williamstown where I was directing a play. Daddy could not come with us because he had a job in Santa Fe so you, me, Vivian and Ranny lived together in a house. It was basically my first job since Vivian was born and I was a little nervous about it. I found a camp for you that I hoped would be good but I was very worried that you wouldn't like it. There were two options -- 9am-12pm and 9am-3pm. The longer day sounded really long to me but the shorter day would still leave you with a lot of hours of just hanging around with Ranny and Vivian. I just signed you up for three weeks and told you that you were going to have to do 15 days of camp like it or not. I hoped the long day would work but knew I had the shorter option in my back pocket. The first day you were a little scared at drop off but it only took a little crying before you were ready to let me go. When I left the building, I started to cry too. I was so proud of you for being brave and for how far you've come since you were a Sun Roomer. I also worried about you, of course, although I quickly learned there was no reason for that. When I picked you up you were very happy. After that, you went to camp for the long day and you ended up doing 4 1/2 weeks rather than three because you loved it so much. One of the things that really sold you on it was that the counselors were not counselors but "real pre-school teachers". You really need to know that you are going to be with responsible grownups who will keep you safe. You had a great counselor, Sue, who you really loved a lot. Once in a while you forgot her name when you were talking about her and would call her "Ho" which was always good for a laugh. Everyday I packed you a lunch and a snack. On one of the first long days of camp, you ate your lunch and snack all together at snack time so you didn't have anything at lunch. When you told me about this, you were fine about it, it definitely was not upsetting to you. But my heart broke for a minute, I think just to be reminded how hard it still is for you to learn and remember the "rules", how things go in the world. The next day when I dropped you at camp, you gave me a big hug and looked really brave like you were trying not to cry as you said, "I'm not going to eat my lunch during snack today."

We had a lot of fun in Williamstown. You became very independent and outgoing. You came with me to meetings whenever you could and were always really well-behaved. At my first production meeting, there were a lot of people there and we all went around and introduced ourselves. When it came to my turn I introduced myself and then said, "And that is Stella and she can ride a two wheel bike with no training wheels!" Everyone clapped. You looked very proud. Later you told me that what I said about you was much better than what everyone else was going around saying -- things like my name is blah blah, I am the costume designer blah blah blah. You are right. It is much cooler to ride a two wheel bike with no training wheels!

There was a kid's show at one point in the summer called "Camp Monster" which I took you to see and which you then went to see again with your camp. Our friend Gail was in it and you were very excited to see her performing and especially excited that she pointed to you at one point in the show when she sang, "Nobody's normal -- especially YOU!" You told anyone who asked that "Camp Monster" was the best show at Williamstown this summer. But you did watch the whole second act of my show one day and I was pretty impressed that you were able to sit through it. 45 minutes. Lots of talking. No songs. You also watched tech rehearsal a few times. At one of them, after about five minutes, you turned to Amy, the playwright and said, "This is a boring show."

One night we went out to Mezze, the nicest restaurant in Williamstown. We sat at the bar and shared a cherry tomato appetizer and the salmon. You love sitting at the bar and it is such fun to go out to eat with you because you really appreciate good food. Plus, you and I generally have the same taste in food so it is easy to share.

After rehearsal you would often ride your bike and I would jog next to you. Then we would go play in the playground and do obstacle courses. We also went to the public swimming pool a bunch of times and your swimming got much much better. You love the grocery store in Williamstown because they have little carts for you to push. We went out for ice cream together. Grandma Helaine, Grandpa Paul, Steven, Clara, Grandma Phyllis, Grandpa Joel and Noa all came to visit at various times. You had a great time with everyone. Thank you for helping to make it possible for me to work, for being such an excellent daughter and big sister and for viewing everything as an adventure. Our house in Williamstown was only okay but when you saw it and saw the swing in the backyard and the secret hideout (attic), you thought it was the best house ever! If you didn't have such a great attitude and didn't see things so positively, I never would have been able to manage. Thanks.

Another very momentous occasion this month Danny and Melissa's wedding in which Daddy was a groomsmen and you were a flower girl or, more precisely, a "Rainbow Girl". You were very worried about being the flower girl so we changed your title to something that you were more comfortable with. You were pretty nervous leading up to it. You didn't really want to wear the dress that Melissa had had made for you. You were excited about the wedding but less excited about your participation in it. But you did a great job! You never changed out of the dress even though I brought a back-up for the reception. You did a perfect job as Rainbow Flower Girl and loved doing it. In fact, you are now excited to be a flower girl for Michael and Ilana in October. We had a great time at the wedding. There were lots of kids there and you had tons of fun playing with them -- especially with Leonard Sandler. You were really friendly and adorable and you stayed up super late two nights in a row. On the way back to our inn after the wedding, you expired.

Last week we were back at home and you and I were having breakfast or dinner together when you told me that you knew what order we were going to die in: me, then Daddy, then you, then Vivian (you still pretty much think that people die in age order). I told you that I hoped that was true and you looked at me incredulous and asked, "You want to die first?" I said that I did because then I would never have to miss you guys. You looked thoughtful for a moment and then said, "That's a good point."

A few other current Stella cuteisms:

"The tomorrow of that day" which refers to the day after some time in the past.

"What a drug" - your comment when you found out we were going to have to chance trains to get from East Hampton to NYC.

And one that had me and Dad in hysterics for hours and still makes us laugh whenever we think of it: We were in a taxi, you had a pen in your hand and said, "I'm going to put that in my pursie" which we both misunderstood and thought you'd said, um, something else. Never mind. You'll understand when you're older.

Thanks for making everything so much fun. Our lives are much better since we share them with you.

I love you.
Love,
Mommy

To Vivian, ten months old

I have been thinking a lot about you on this, your ten month birthday. You continue to be such a wonderful, happy presence in our lives and I'm just so thankful to have you and to know you. In so many ways, these past ten months have been the best in my life. You have added so much to our family and have helped me to grow in so many ways, it is pretty amazing. I can think back to about a year ago when we were very excited about the coming addition but also really worried that a new baby might screw up what was already a pretty great thing. I had no way of knowing how wonderful it would be for Stella to have a sister and Daddy and I never in a million years imagined we would get such a delightful, easy, playful, fun baby. Also having a second child -- and especially you as a second child -- has made me realize how truly capable I am at being a mother and how much I love my family. Both our family and my life feel so much more complete with you in them. Daddy and I have discussed how we both feel like we are back in a honeymoon phase -- just so in love with each other and with our family and so excited about our lives. These are great gifts that you have given us and we are very grateful.

This month we were in Williamstown where I was directing a play, my first real directing job since you were born. I was so worried about going back to work, worried about how you and Stella would do in Williamstown and whether I would be able to concentrate at work. It ended up being a huge challenge for me but really great for all of us. We lived in a house with stairs and you became very proficient at crawling up them.

Everyday Ranny would bring you to my rehearsal during my lunch break so I could feed you. When you saw me walking towards you on the grass, you would break out in the biggest smile and almost hyperventilate. It is the best feeling ever to have someone so excited to see you. A bad morning of rehearsal would be instantly erased by how happy I was to see you too.

While you hung around the theater, lots of people paid a lot of attention to you which made you very happy. You wave to everyone now to say both hi and bye and your crooked wave has been universally ordained "Cutest Baby Gesture Ever". My lead actress, Katharine, had her five month old son in tow and, after I fed you on my break, you would usually crawl over to them for a little visit. Sam seemed as interested in you as you were in him. You are a truly social baby who loves to be around other people -- especially other babies and who gets so very happy when people pay attention to you and play with you. It is so easy to make you smile your super adorable two-toothed smile. It is also pretty easy to make you laugh and your giggle is currently my favorite sound. Stella loves to make you laugh too although sometimes it doesn't work as well and then she gets so upset that you laugh at me but not at her. Babies just love their mommies best but your big sister doesn't accept that. But the truth is, you absolutely adore Stella and the feeling is utterly mutual. Sometimes when she walks by you, she just puts her hand on your head and says "love" as she passes. She especially loves to pick you up and carry you around. She is very adept at it and really looks like a little mommy when she hoists you on her hip. But Daddy and I have been on her case about letting you crawl around and explore the world and not just picking you up and moving you around according to her whims. We are really conscious of this and are trying to allow you to maintain some freedom while also reaping the many rewards of having a big sister who just wants to play with you all the time.

In addition to waving, you now clap your hands. A few days ago I said, "Vivian, can you clap?" and you did. Then I said, "Vivian can you wave?" and you did. I was amazed that you understood me although I don't know why. Of course you can understand me. You have only performed this trick twice though. Since then, most of the time I ask you to wave or clap you just look at me and smile. (Daddy did tell me today that he took you into the bathroom with him and when he flushed the toilet you waved goodbye.) You are also babbling like crazy and it is sounding more and more like speech. And you finally say "Mama" loud and clear.

You cruise all over the place now. It is amazing how quickly you have gone from barely crawling to scurrying all over the place. You are starting to have pretty good balance and I think it won't be long before you are walking. You will pull up on anything and have even been known to use other babies as leverage when trying to push yourself to standing. You are under, over and through anything in your path and you are an extremely curious little explorer.


You are also eating up a storm. You still aren't crazy about mushy foods but you love to eat fruits and vegetables like brocolli and asparagus and plums. You especially enjoy feeding yourself and you really let it be known that you want to eat whenever you are around someone who is eating.

We went to our first wedding accompanied by our children and had a fantastic time. It was very hot so the ceremony part was a little challenging for you and we went and sat in the shade with the other moms and babies. But you seemed to have a really good time at the party. You got loads of attention from all of our friends and allowed lots of people to hold you. You are really surprisingly easygoing about that sort of thing and you generally make everyone feel that you like them.

Thank you so much for being so easygoing about my being back at work. I know that you missed me a lot -- and the feeling was totally mutual. I kept reminding myself that I would really be able to make it up to you in August when we wouldn't be apart at all because it was hard having to leave you so I could go to rehearsal everyday. My work is important to me and I do want you and Stella to see your mommy at work doing something she loves so I'm happy that I am able to do that but I miss you a lot when we are apart. You did start to cry often when I would have to leave you which made my heart break even though I know you were fine once I left. It is amazing how you can be playing totally happily with someone but as soon as you see me, you start to whimper and whine until I scoop you up into my arms.

I'm happy to hold you for as long as you want. I truly cherish these days having you as my little baby. I know how much I'll miss holding you when you are no longer small and I'm just loving every single second of having you. I don't even mind waking up in the middle of the night. I know it is just for a short time and I'm always happy to see your smiling face and to cuddle with you.

I love you so much, Vivi.

Love,
Mama

Stella Speaks

I know that the days of Stella's adorable misspeaks will come to an end sooner than I'd like. And I know that we will forget some of the adorable things she says -- most of them probably -- if I don't write them down. Already there have been stories that I was convinced we'd never forget and just days after they've happened, I have turned to David and asked him to remind me and his recall has been no better than mine. So I am going to try to be better about coming here and just jotting down some of the adorable daily utterances.

Surely we won't soon forget "The Statue of Liverty" or the way she sings the 92Y Silver Room shabbat introduction song, "Friday is a special day, there are three blessings that we say. One for candles, one for wine, one for challah, it takes vine." David and I sing it that way too when we have a family sing-a-long just to ensure that Stella keeps it up for as long as possible.

A few recent cute misspeaks:
While playing with Vivian recently, Stella put her finger in the little dent in the back of her sister's neck. I commented, "isn't that little dent so adorable?" or something to that effect. A few minutes later, Stella turned to me and asked, "Did I have a cement in my neck when I was a baby?"

And just today we went to the public swimming pool in Williamstown. Stella's swimming is really getting quite good and she was out swimming in the deep end for awhile. She can't really be alone out there but she let me know that she would not need any help when we "got to the mellow end."

I'm always so torn about whether or not to correct her. Part of the mommy in me thinks that perhaps I owe it to her to sharpen her vocabulary and to ensure that she not make similar mistakes at school or camp. The other much more dominant mommy part says screw it, let's let this adorableness continue as long as possible.

Oh that reminds me, Stella is in camp here in Williamstown. She has two wonderful counselors who she adores, Sue and Katie. For some reason, though, when she is talking about Sue she often calls her "Ho". That never stops being funny.

To Vivian, nine months old

I really cannot believe that you are already nine months old, that you have been outside my tummy for as long as you were inside. I do sometimes look at you and recognize the little baby who was once in me, especially when you have the hiccups! You had them a lot during those last months of pregnancy. I so loved being pregnant with you (after the horrible, torturous first trimester) and, even though it is better having you on the outside, I do miss it sometimes.

This has definitely been the most monumental month of development for you. One Saturday at Grandma and Grandpa's house, you practiced pulling up on their ottomon foot rest thing. We all just sat in the living room and watched you for hours. Until that day, you had pulled up a couple times at home but not often. But after practicing all day, you became a pro and that was all you wanted to do from then on. You just got better and better at it and were soon starting to cruise. This also made you a much stronger crawler. I think the desire to get to the destination where you could practice pulling up was very motivating and you are now crawling all over the place at a breakneck pace. All this moving prompted me to buy a jumperoo thing off of a friend of mine who has a baby a little older than you. That was a waste of money. We missed our jumperoo/exercauser window. You are already way too active and curious to go in one of those things.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how far you and I have come in the past nine months. Our breastfeeding relationship is so easy and lovely now and that was quite a journey. Remember when we cut your frenulum and you wouldn't eat for a day? That was so horrible and scary. And when I used to hear that clicking sound and know that you were breaking your latch and sometime wasn't quite right but I couldn't figure out how to fix it. Now I just listen to you suck, swallow, suck, swallow just as you are supposed to do.

Separation anxiety and stranger anxiety have both set in. At the same time, you seem to be quite independent for a baby. We went to playgroup recently and you were on the other side of the room from me playing with other babies and with toys. I don't think Stella ever would have done that, she was glued to my side. I am trying to encourage your independent nature (mostly in the hopes that we won't have a long drawn out separation process when you get to school -- just kidding) by letting you go off now that you can crawl away. It is cute when you move away a bit and then turn around just to check that I am still there.

You know all about gravity. You will drop your toys from your high chair and then peer over the edge to see where they've gone. You have also learned to wave bye bye which may be the world's most adorable thing. But then again there is so much about you that is just too too adorable. You are really ridiculously cute. And sweet. And I love you so much.

Love,
Mommy